It’s one of my bad days. They seem to always come the day after I hang out with friends I haven’t seen for a while and as I watch them, I sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy of their freedom. I struggle hard with this loss of what I call freedom myself. 3 1/2 months in and when do I stop having to force myself through each day?
Life doesn’t stop and I told myself that I will not stop… stay in the game, get back on that horse (farm girl in me there:). Keep moving on getting our late father’s estate wrapped up-5 yrs in now, fully reorganizing my life for my major remodel starting in May, and then just all the other things that come with home ownership and lovely but big yards! My life was challenging before diagnosis… father’s death in a fire, taking over his life, lawsuits, divorce, contractor stealing my money, losing my dog of 16 years and then cervical cancer issues then PSC.
… and damn this PSC for showing me what rock bottom really is. Every day I cry. I even had to tell my NEW contractor that there may be days I will start crying regardless of the topic. And the panic attack that may follow? Well, just be there for a quiet moment as I’m getting better at working through them. And don’t be alarmed when I heave in a breath as I hadn’t realized I stopped breathing. It’s crazy this emotional roller coaster I ride. The hours I can sleep. How much sometimes I just don’t care - like procrastination but on a whole other mental level.
I think the hardest part still is that when I do have good days or happy times, each time a bad comes and if it’s really bad, like today, I’m like wtf… am I not done with this part yet? I mean, my chest hurts as I type and my palms want to get sweaty! I slept and cried myself throughout the day. Yeah I got some things done, but what would normally take me a day now takes me 5 days. It’s wild and unnerving as I’m a true Capricorn… ugh
Paul H., You wrote this in another thread - the challenge is to live life as normal as possible… do we ever find that again? The quiet Peace?
“The challenge is to live life as normal as possible, doing the things you love to do.”